over this weekend while i was away in utah on vacation, my uncle sent me a note lamenting the passing of my maternal grandmother. i was so confused, because no one in my immediate family had told me anything. i called my dad to check on what was going on, and he confirmed the news.
i’ve never been great at expressing my emotions, but i don’t think i’ve cried as much recently as i did the night i found out that she’s gone.
she was suffering greatly, and rationally i get that it’s better for everyone, and her, this way. she doesn’t need to go through useless pain and medical procedures any longer. she was surrounded by her closest relatives when she took her last breath, so she was in the most comfortable state possible.
but what i can’t get over is that the last time i spoke to her was when i was leaving india last year in july. i told her i’d see her again next summer, that i’d call and keep in touch, and i did neither of those things. in the past year as her health deteriorated i had so, so many chances to pick up the phone and just say hello and let her hear my voice. but i never called. i took for granted that my grandma was still literally holding on for her dear life. and i can never forgive myself for not picking up the phone just one fucking time to tell her that i love her or that i’m so glad to be her granddaughter. i just hope somehow she knew/knows those things to be true.
my grandma was always my biggest fan - ever since i was little she was relentlessly proud of my minor accomplishments and encouraged me to keep learning, doing, and pursuing my dreams. there were so many times when i didn’t treat her respectfully and yet time and time again she told me how much she loved me and supported me. she had always said she hoped to see me get married and have kids, and continue to lead a life of goodness and kindness. and now she won’t see any of that, not for me, not for any of her grandkids. i hope i’ve made her proud with what little i’ve done so far, and i’ll try to live a true and good and more purposeful life for as long as i’m able. she deserves nothing less.
love you grandma and will miss you so much always.
